The Eragon Dating Game!
by monkeybait
Summary: A TV show where Eragon has to date someone while the girls of the book try to win the games to get to him. Who will win? Read to find out!
1. The Game Show Beginneth

"Aaaaaaaaand you're on the Eragon Dating Game!" I said happily, flashing them that big, stupid smile a lot of TV show hosts have. "Starring, me, you're host, monkeybait! And please give a nice hardy round of applause fooooooor… ERAGON!"

The audience claps as Eragon walks onto the stage absentmindedly.

"Saphira? Where are you Saphira?" Eragon called. He stared out the audience. "Hey… you guys aren't Saphira… and this isn't Carvahall… where am I? You guys dress weird." Eragon laughed at them, but I grabbed him by the neck and gave him a big noogie.

"Oww! What are you doing? Are you affiliated with Galbatorix!" Eragon grabbed out a knife and pointed at me.

"You're on a game show, stupid. I'm the host. You're going to date a girl in the book," I explained.

"What's a-"

"Sit there, good sir!" I said, pushing him into a chair. Three walls were put on either side of him so all he could see was the audience and me. "Let me explain some more. We'll get some girls from the show and you ask them questions and sometimes they get to do funny stuff. It's like that That's So Raven episode when they had to eat the dinosaur eggs and swing over the tar pit. So are you ready?"

"Uh…"

"Great! Please give a round of applause for guest number one, Arya the elf princess!" Arya walked in, clued in on what was going to happen from before. She still seemed rather sullen, because Arya is never happy. Eragon's eyes, however, turn to hearts.

"Arya! Yay! I love you!" Eragon said, grabbing out to her. Someone super glued him to his chair and nailed the chair to the floor. Arya rolled her eyes.

"So, Arya, what do you have to say?" I asked her, handing over the microphone.

"I can't wait to lose so I can see his unhappy face," Arya said monotonously, her expression unchanging.

"Wow, that's got to hurt. Group "ouch", everybody."

"Ouch!" the audience shouts. Arya shrugged and sat down in one of the chairs on one side of Eragon where she couldn't be seen. Eragon considered crying so she would feel bad for him, but found that wasn't in his masculinity to do so.

"Okay, next let's welcome Angelina and Gertrude! Their so old we let them be on a team together," I added. Angelina and Gertrude entered, smiling with "I Love Eragon" t-shirts on. Eragon had no idea they were so obsessed with him and blinked unhappily.

"So, you two oldsters, what you gotta say?" I asked.

"Bring it! We're going to win!" Gertrude said, grinning toothily.

"Wow, that's some enthusiasm! Take a seat, ladies," I said, gesturing to the chairs next to Arya. They sat down. Arya kind of excluded herself from them.

"And next I'm proud to introduce, Maud the werecat!" Maud enters, cat ears twitching. I think Maud rocks, so I give her a big hug. Maud hisses, so I let go.

"So, Maud, what do you have to say?" I ask, handing the microphone to her. Maud drops it and leaps on to one of the chairs. The microphone made a loud noise.

"… alright, then," I said, picking it up. "Next, let's welcome Elain!"

Elain grinned as she walked in. Now Eragon was totally weirded out.

"So, Elain, what do you have to say?" I asked her.

"If I lose, oh well. If I win, Horst will kick Eragon's butt!" Elain said proudly.

"What are you even doing on this show! You're already married!" Eragon yelled, pointing a threatening dagger.

"Oh, hush up. I've already been married seven times," Angelina growled. Maud ate one of the legs off her chair.

"Almost near the end of introducing characters, folks! Next we have Elva." Elva approached the stage with an evil sneer. She hid a large stick of dynamite behind her back.

"My sister says Elva funny!" I shouted. Only saying it because it's true. My sister jumps on the stage suddenly and shouts "ELVA!" Then she runs away.

"So, Elva, what do you want to say?"

"May the best person win," Elva said. Then she looked angry. "I'm too young for this! I'm only four!"  
"I'm sure you are," I said, stupidly fooled by her adult voice. "It's okay to be short. We won't make fun of you for your height."

"I hate everybody." Elva sulked over to her seat.

"And next we have, Katrina!"

"NEVER!" Roran shouted, suddenly running onto the stage, waving his hammer over his head. He made a Native-American like war screech and grabbed Katrina by the wrist before dragging her off.

"Well, last but not least is Nasuada," I said, taking the weird moment all into stride. Nasuada sat down.

"Are you ready to begin?" I asked.

"No," Arya said angrily.

"Let's get this party started!" Angelina and Gertrude replied.

"Meow," Maud meowed.

"Alright!" Elain said with enthusiasm.

"Yes, yes," Elva said in a sinister way.

"Okee dokee! Good luck everyone!" Nasuada replied, ever so positive.

"ELVA!" my sister shouted.

"This is ridiculous and confusing. AND WHERE IS SAPHIRA!" Eragon yelled.

"All that will be revealed shortly. Or not. It's up to me. Mua haha!" I laughed evilly and paraded around the stage during the break while everyone stared at me and some people left.

That's chapter one. Suggestions! If I don't get any, I won't continue.


	2. Task the First: Hornets

"And we're back!" I shouted, smiling. The audience clapped hard, so my ego got pretty big at that moment. "Oh, thank you, you're a fabulous audience! I love you all!" I began blowing kisses at them. My sister ran up and shouted "ELVA!" in my ear, so I woke up again.

"Anyway," I said, "now we're really going to get this game show started! Let me introduce our fabulous contestants once again:

"Arya the elven princess!"

"Angelina and Gertrude the witches!"

"Maud the werecat!"

"Elain the wife!"

"That's unfair!" Eragon shouted, eying a very angry Horst in the front row.

"Elva, the creepy one whom I've just been informed is four years old!"

"And last but not least, Nasuada, the queen with no skills and wants to get rid of Galbatorix by selling lace!" Sorry Nasuada lovers if there are any out there, but I don't really like her. ,

"Okay, Arya, you're up first! So spin, spin, spin the wheel of misfortune!"

"Misfortune…?" Eragon said nervously.

Arya walked up to the wheel and spun it. Because she has so much upper body strength, it spun for a few hours. It finally slowed down on a picture of a purple hornet holding a gumball.

"Oh, yesssssssss! I do have to say, this was one of my favorites," I said, grinning because I like to watch them get hurt. "Okay, here's what we're doing. You guys are going to go into the forest-"

"Question: is it the Spine?" Elain asked.

"Uh…" I thought. "I don't think so…"

"Where is it then?"

"Somewhere…?" I said.

"That's not very specific."

"Tough beans to specific!" I yelled. "The point is it's a forest! Now then." I continued in a more polite way. "I've hidden several bubble gum pieces in the trees. Only one of them is bubble gum. You have to find it and blow a bubble. The rest of them are hoax pieces of bubble gum and won't do you much good."

"Wait, this is the wheel of misfortune. What the heck is the misfortune?" Arya asked, because the task sounded far too easy.

"Ah, I was getting to that. The misfortune—you will be chased by several angry purple hornets!" I laughed maniacally while shining a flashlight underneath my eyes. "The first person to get stung loses. Any questions?"

"What's bubblegum?" they all asked.

"You guys are SO funny!" I said, laughing and thinking they were joking. They exchanged confused glances, as if saying "are we supposed to know this?"

"So any other questions? None? Good luck, then!" I shouted. Suddenly, they appeared outside in a vast meadow. In front of them was a forest. Eragon, my sister, and I watched them safely in a room from a glass window.

"If Arya gets hurt, I'm going to kill you!" Eragon said angrily.

"Please, she's not going to be the only one covered in itchy, pussy red welts," I said, rolling my eyes. My sister got a security guard to take away Eragon's knife, just in case.

"Now then… release the hornets!" I shouted, throwing my fist into the air. Several purple hornets were released and glared at the contestants menacingly.

Arya, being the fastest and smartest one of the bunch, took off into the forest. Maud began hissing uncontrollably and raced off into a tree. Angelina and Gertrude tried to destroy the bees with their magic. Nasuada, Maud, Elain, and Elva are all idiots, so they ran off into the forest screaming their heads off. Well, Elva can't really help it, because she's only four, but the rest of them are stupid. Suddenly—

"Omigosh! Broken nail!" Nasuada shrieked. She started screaming. Elain rolled her eyes and began searching the trees for the bubble gum. Arya was good at this, so she found a piece of pink bubble gum.

"Yes! Score!" Arya chewed it and it electrocuted her tongue. Elva found a piece, too, and her eyebrows fell off. Maud actually found the real piece of bubblegum first, because she could smell it best.

"Well, I don't want to date Eragon anyway- OUCHY!" Arya screamed, her tongue still full of electricity. Elva cried at the loss of her eyebrows. It turned out Nasuada had been stung first, so some security guards named Bub and Earl took her away.

"Yes! Good work, getting rid of that mediocre queen, guys!" I said. Arya growled because her tongue began to resemble an electric, black slug. Gertrude and Angelina were psyched to kill more purple hornets.

"Unfortunately, folks, a commercial is coming! We'll get back to you as soon as we can, but first, a quick interview backstage with Nasuada!" I said, giving them that trademark grin.

"ELVA!" my sister screeched.

"So, Nasuada, how does it feel to be off the show?" my sister, Soledad, inquired, now that her shrieking of "Elva" had currently ended (currently, of course).

"Well, he wasn't too hot, not like his cousin. I just hope my nail is okay," Nasuada said. She burst into tears.

"There, there." Soledad patted her back. "Some of us are born losers."

Nasuada cried harder. My sister became aggravated.

"Ah, can it!" Crying. "Shut up!" Crying. "Bub! Earl! Get in here!" Bub and Earl dragged the waterlogged Nasuada away.

"My, my," I tsked. "Soledad, you might just have anger problems."

"Pssh. Tell me something I don't know," Soledad said, grinning evilly and we high-fived.

Wow, I didn't think my story would be so popular right away. Thanks to bushes283 and Arya Drottning for reviewing! You two rock!

Soledad: More, more! Give me more!  
monkeybait: Don't worry, sis, you'll be in it.

Soledad: Awright!

Eragon: Will you PLEASE tell me where you put Saphira?  
Soledad/monkeybait: NEVER! Mua ha ha ha ha!


	3. Task the Second: Igloolympics

Yeah, I lied. I had to continue!

"And once again, we have returned! I'm monkeybait!"  
"And I'm Soledad!"  
"And you're watching—say it with me audience…"

"THE ERAGON DATING GAME!" the audience shouted, cheering and clapping.

"And now, I do believe it's Angelina and Gertrude's turn to spin, spin, spin the wheel of misfortune!" I said happily. The two old people came up and spun it. Even though they did it together, unlike Arya, the wheel only spun a little. Soledad blew on it and it went faster. It landed on a picture of someone standing next to an igloo.

"Ooh, this is good," Soledad said. "This is-"

"This is my show," I said sticking out my tongue. Then I felt bad, so I said, "Fine, you introduce it."

"Yay!" Soledad clapped her hands. "In this game, you have to survive several challenges in the Arctic- let's call it the Igloolympics. Then we do this cool little thing that's kind of like survivor where you vote someone off that you dislike. Kind of like my sister hating Nasuada. Any questions? None? Yay! Let's get started!"

They suddenly appeared next to an igloo. Soledad, Eragon, and I watched from the safety of that little room again.

"I wish you would just flipping tell me where you're keeping my dragon. And I never asked for this! I can get a date for Arya by myself!" Eragon yelled.

"You wish," I commented. Eragon said nothing, but in his head had to admit I was right. Which I always am.

"Okay, task one: puffin hunting!" an Eskimo said.

"Don't worry, they're just plastic puffins," I quickly told an angry mob of armed vegetarians.

The Eskimo continued. "The person who hits the most puffins with their arrows gets a free slip to miss one of the most dangerous games." Everyone who valued their lives became rather attentive at that moment.

"What's the catch?" Arya asked plainly. Maud started eating her igloo.

"Catch? Ah, yes. The catch. Thank you for reminding me," the Eskimo dude said, "You need to hit the plastic puffins twice. When you hit them once, they will try to kill you. The second time, you will kill them. Any questions?"

"Yeah. Will we actually, oh I dunno, DIE!" Elva asked.

"Well, I'd place the pain somewhere between getting hit by a horse trailer and getting struck by lightning," the Eskimo dude replied calmly. "Any more questions?"

It was silent. Everyone was kind of worried.

"Great, get started then." The Eskimo gave them each a crossbow with suction cupped arrows and they walked into the frozen tundra that was Euraska.

"Wait, what's Euraska?" Eragon asked.

"The area that Europe and Alaska share. Duh," Sol and I reply in unison. "You can read about it in here." I hand him a copy of a book called Eurpeople.

**NameLevel of Archery**

AryaAwesome

GertrudeAwful

AngelinaPoor Quality

ElvaTerrible

ElainDisappointing

MaudCan't Even Hold the Bow

"On three! Ready… three!" I shouted. Arya, who had the best shot because she was an elf, got five puffins in the first ten seconds. Gertrude and Angelina possessed their arrows to go wherever they told them to, so they got disqualified from the first game.

"That's pretty weenie!" I shouted at them as they left. That was generally pretty fast.

Elva and Elain didn't want to be attacked by puffins, so they hid under the ground, which turned out to be the home of a hibernating polar bear. They got attacked anyway. Maud is kind of just stupid, so Arya won. Arya accepted the pass to playing the most dangerous game happily.

"Thanks, but I don't think I'll ever use it," Arya said in her same monotonous voice.

"Yes you will," Elva retorted.

"No I won't."

"Yes you will."

"No I won't."

"Yes you will."

"No I won't."

"Breath holding contest!" Elva shouted, because adult as her voice was, she was still only four.

"Bring it!" Arya shouted back, because she never let's up a challenge. They both held their breath until their cheeks turned purple. Elva lost because she has a smaller lung capacity. She started crying uncontrollably. Her tears froze to her face, which made her cry harder, which made even more tears freeze to her face.

"Stop crying, it's time for the next challenge!" Soledad shouted. "I believe its Maud's turn to spin the wheel."

Maud hissed and jumped on top of the wheel. It landed on a picture of a glowing sword.

"OMGness! Light saber battle!" I shouted, swinging a bright pink light saber dangerously so that everyone had to take cover for a few moments.

"What's a light saber?" Elain asked.

"You mean you've never seen Star Wars?" I said utterly shocked. Sure, maybe I haven't seen Star Wars either, but I've seen the commercials for the action figures and the video games and the Legos. "Okay, whatever. These are like swords. Except their glowing and come in a variety of colors (that's the best part). In this game, you try to knock each other off into a giant puddle of pudding."

"Wait, but that has nothing to do with Igloos," Arya pointed out. I slapped myself in the forehead.

"Oh, duh! Yeah, you have to hit them into a slushie mixer instead. Sorry." I poured cherry blend into a vast cavern of churning snow. "Now, I will draw one name out of a hat-"

"Aw, come on! That has to be the stupidest way to elect anyone for this game!" Arya shouted.

"Out of a hat? Do you want me to flip a coin? Do you want to play rock paper scissors?" I asked. They didn't know what that was, so I drew a name out of that hat. "And the person who is challenging Freddy the Eskimo is…"

Doom, doom, doom! SUSPENSE! Sorry for not updating for a while, by the way. I'll try to do it faster. Thanks to bushes283, Arya Drottning, spearofhope, Blondiegirlz4, and Mistress-of-Misery for sending a review! Muchas gracias!


	4. Task the Third: The Vote

Sorry, I didn't realize in the last chapter there is some bad spacing with their levels of archery. I'll fix that ASAP. But I'm not making a promise, so please remind me if I forget!

"And we're back!" I shouted smiling until it felt like my teeth would break. "And you're watching the-"

"ERAGON DATING GAME!" the audience screamed at the top of their lungs, because now they were all really hyped up.

"Thaaaaaaat's right folks, the Eragon Dating Game! For those of you who don't remember, we were right in the middle of the Igloolympics, where one contestant is going to battle my man Freddie here-" Freddie grins and waves "- in a dangerous battle of knocking them off into a whirling swirling death trap… that happens to be the in the flavor of cherry!"

Silence.

"This is when you gasp," I hinted flatly.

"Gasp!" the audience gasped anxiously.

"Speaking of which, I was in the middle of pulling a name out of a hat," I said. I dug into a baseball cap. "And the lucky one is… Elain!"  
"Pardon?" Elain said in a squeaky voice.

"Elain, Elain, from Carvahall, who has just about no skills at all!" I sang. Elain hit me with a frying pan. "Yes, yes, I'm kidding of course… never doubt girl power, even if it's from the 1500's or whatever…" I added, rubbing a bright red welt that had formed on my scalp.

"So, Elain, are you ready for action?" Soledad asked.

"Uh… sure, why not?" Elain said, shrugging despite the fact that this could mean death.

The contestants watched outside in the snow. Elain found her balance on a pole hanging over a slushie maker. In her hands was a green light saber used for knocking over the person she was fighting. Freddie got on the other end; his light saber was purple. Sol, Eragon, and I watched from the safety of our room again.

"Yeah! Go Freddie!" Sol and I shouted, showing out midriffs which had "Freddie Rocks" written on them. It became pretty cold, so we covered them with our t-shirts that read the same thing.

"This isn't fair at all! I like Elain, though I don't want to date her, and I wish you'd leave everyone alone!" Eragon shouted. "AND I WANT MY DRAGON BACK!"

"Oh, Eragon, do have yourself a slice of humble pie. All in good fun," I said casually.

"Besides, it's not as if we're making your Princess Pointy-Ears do it!" Soledad added, laughing. Eragon considered whacking her with a lacrosse stick.

Elain walked up on the pole, wobbling slightly. It was a short defeat that took like five seconds, but I'll describe it in great detail so it feels like more. Elain breathed heavily, in through her mouth and out through her nose. It came out in little clouds that were so cute I just had to name them all before they disappeared. Freddie however was breathing in through his NOSE and out through his MOUTH. Oh my gosh, they irony of it all! Isn't this just so exhilarating? And what a coincidence, that rivals would breathe the EXACT OPPOSITE WAY. Then, in a swift motion, Freddie brought his light saber above his head. His muscles rippled and he opened his mouth and let out his war screech much like Roran's before bringing it back down the way it had came. Elain cringed and shouted the classic, "Noo-oo-oooooooo!" before dropping her pretty light saber and slowly falling, falling, falling, falling, falling, falling, falling, falling, falling, falling, falling, falling, falling, falling, falling, falling into the strawberry-scented red snow. All the contestants gasped, wondering if they'd ever see Elain again.

"Yeah Freddie! Whoo! Freddie, Freddie, Freddie, Elain is now… deadie! Go, Freddie, go! Go, Freddie, go!" Sol and I shouted, belly dancing and doing the worm. Eragon wacked our heads together.

"Ow, that was not cool," I said, staring at the welt that now matched the one Elain had given me.

"You freaks! You killed Elain!" Eragon yelled.

"No we didn't. We just pretended like we did," Soledad pointed out, packing some snow onto her head. "Owchies."

"Oh." Eragon shrugged.

It was nightfall now and I introduced the next challenge.

"Okay: Elain is gone, but Arya, Elva, and Maud, you guys gotta stand strong. Gertrude and Angelina are back in the games again." A few Gertrude and Angelina fans clapped, though it was a very small round of applause, because it only consisted of a few senior citizen men that thought they were hot.

"What you're going to do," I explained, "is vote one of you off and explain why. See this? You'll talk to the guy running the camera, which is Daphnes. Say hi, Daphnes!" Daphnes said waved, because he's an all-around-good guy. "Then you'll put the slip into here. Any questions?"

"Yeah. Maud and I can't write," Elva replied.

"Oh. Well, just tell Daphnes and he'll write it down for you." Daphnes gave the big thumbs up and I gave it back. "Any questions now? None? Peachy. You may begin."

Elva walked up to the camera and tapped the lens.

"Don't touch," Daphnes warned.

"Why?"

"Because I said so."

"Why?"

"Vote or this creepy puppet eats your brains." Okay, maybe he's not all-around-good.

Elva rolled her eyes. "Puppets don't eat brains."

"Really?" Daphnes stared at the puppet before throwing it behind him. "I thought it did. Man, that stupid thing's been giving me nightmares for weeks."

"Whatever," Elva replied. "I want to vote off Arya."

"Why?"

"Because we're rivals."

"But she's a princess."

"That doesn't mean anything!"

"She's an elf."

"So who flipping cares?" Elva shouted.

"Okay, maybe that doesn't matter, but she'll just use her pass to stay on the show," Daphnes answered, biting into a honey-baked ham.

The gears started turning in Elva's adolescent brain. "Fine, I vote off Maud then. She's such a moron."

"But she's a werecat."

"You think I care!"

"Daphnes, you're not supposed to interfere with the contestants," I said. "You're supposed to be an all-around-good guy!"

"Fine, whatever." Daphnes wrote the name "Arya" onto a slip of paper and put it in a box.

Gertrude and Angelina came up. Since we're not supposed to hear everyone's votes because that would totally spoil it, Angelina and Gertrude left right after that. Then Arya came up.

"I'm voting off Elva for the insignificant little munchkin she is," Arya said angrily, but a piece of paper in the box of mystery. Then came Maud.

"Okay, who are you voting off?" Daphnes asked.

"Meow."

"What's that mean?"

"Purr."

"Dude! You don't make any sense!" Daphnes yelled.

"Hiss."

"Fine, I'm just gonna make you vote off yourself then." Daphnes wrote "Maud" on a little piece of paper. Then Maud's eyes bulged.

"Rrrrrrrrrrrorrrrrrrrrrw!" Maud hissed. She slashed Daphnes to ribbons and that's when we stopped the film and brought out Magical Trevor to fill in for Daphnes.

"Rrrrrrrrrrrorrrrrrrrrrw!" Maud hissed again.

"No! Everyone's supposed to LOVE me!" Magical Trevor flew off in his rocket ship.

"OMG, we're losing our camera men like hot cakes! Go, Soledad, go!" I pushed Sol out the window and she bounced until she was in front of the camera.

"Ooh, so many buttons…" she said, her eyes glistening with happiness.

Finally, everyone had voted, so I came to the center.

"Okay, here's my magic box of sorts," I said, "which today contains votes for who gets kicked off the show. Let us read them."

I draw out the first slip. "Mod. Daphnes! You spelled "Maud" wrong! Oh yeah, Daphnes is in the hospital." I drew out another slip. "Arya." Arya swears. "Arya again." I draw another name. "Maud." I draw the last one. "And…"

We will see who gets voted off in the next chapter! Thanks to Mistress-of-Misery, spearofhope and Moonlight Midnight for reviewing today! Muchas gracias!


	5. Task the Fourth: The Riddle Master

Wow, something must have been wrong with me the day I posted that last chapter, because there was a lot of spelling errors! I hope it still makes sense. None the less, my apologies! Also, at this moment, I would like to respond to a few questions.

**spearofhope: No, Elain's not really dead. That's just cruel.**

**Piercexliger: In my own little world, Maud is in her human form, just acting like a cat still. Don't get me wrong, Maud is my favorite character in the book, but in this story, I just needed someone to be a little insane. Plus, I often make fun of the characters I like. It just works out that way I guess. shrugs And Arya winning? Psssh. Yeah right.**

**Mistress-of-Misery: Thank you for pointing that out. I'll fix it if I feel like it. And of course it would be funny if Eragon dates Maud, but will he get to is the question.**

**ERAGONISMYLIFE: Oh, that's such the good idea!**

**Okay, I think that's all the questions. Thanks so much everyone for reviewing! **

"And we're back, again, to the- oh forget it, you know what it's called," I said.

"ERAGON DA… ting… show…" the audience said, caught completely off guard.

"Now, I was just about to finish the final event in the Igloolympics," I explained, "which is pulling the vote out of the Box of Mystery. Now let's… Sol, what are you doing with the camera…? Sol! It's supposed to be on ME!"

"But… there was a butterfly…" Soledad sniffed.

"Butterflies don't live in Alaska or Antarctica or the Arctic or Bosnia-Herzegovina or wherever we are!" I shouted.

We argued for a bit until we began to get a low rating, so we continued with the show.

"Okay then!" I yelled loud enough to wake up the snoring audience miles away. "I will draw a name out now. So far we've had two votes for Arya and two votes for Maud. And the person getting voted off is…" I drew the name. "Arya the Elven Princess!"

"Yes!" spearofhope, freddys1fangirl and bushes283 shout.

"Yes!" the Arya Haters club shouts.

"Yes!" Arya shouts, extremely happy despite the fact that she swore the last chapter because she forgot what the prize was.

"Nooooo-oooo-ooo…" Eragon cries. "Arya, lamb choppikins, you're HAPPY?"

"Um… triple duh," Arya says and leaves. Eragon bursts out into waterfalls of tears so that we have to vacuum seal and drain the little room he's in so as not to cause a flood.

"Oh, cheery cheer up, Eragon!" I shouted slapping him so hard on the back he falls over. "We've still got Gertrude, Angelina, Maud, and Elva to choose from!"  
Eragon cries harder.

"Okay… well I'll just leave that poor sap alone and we can get on to our next challenge! The Igloolympics are done! Rejoice! Have a cheer! Click glasses! Play reindeer games! Swear on the dictionary that you will tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth!" I panted after saying so much. "Okay, um, well, let's get on with it then. I believe it is Maud's turn to spin the Wheel of Misfortune! Spin away, Maud!"  
Maud jumped on top of the wheel and it started spinning. It landed on a picture of a smurf.

"Whoo!" I said. "I love this one! Care to do the honors, Soledad?"

"It would be my pleasure!" Sol said with glee. "A smurf asks you riddles. The first one to get one wrong gets off the show. The one that gets the most right receives another pass (Arya never used hers, by the way…) that will let you skip a dangerous round. Any questions?"

"Yeah. What the heck is a smurf?" Elva asked.

"Just a little blue dude that asks you questions. Is everyone ready?"

"Uh-"

"Great!" Elva, Gertrude, Angelina, and Maud suddenly go into a little room that looks kind of like the ones they have on Who Wants to be a Millionaire? Papa Smurf sits on a chair reading off questions.

"Hello and you're watching Who Wants to Date Eragon?" Papa Smurf said. The audience, who had just assembled inside, began to cheer and clap and head bang.

"Okay, here's riddle number one," Papa Smurf said.

_What kind of cheese is made backwards?_

"Uh…" Elva thought. "Cheese comes from a goat… but goats don't barf up cheese… unless they've already eaten cheese…"

"Meow," Maud said, licking herself.

Angelina and Maud huddled together.

"Out of time!" Papa Smurf said. "Do you give up?"

"My brain hurts," Elva whined.

"Okay, the answer is edam cheese!" Papa Smurf grinned.

"What is edam cheese?" Angelina asked. "It sounds poisonous. I should sell it to idiots!"

"I don't get it," Elva said, about ready to kill our blue game show host.

"Edam spelled backwards is made. Next riddle!" Papa Smurf said, glad he had fooled everyone. But no one was off the show, because they hadn't said anything and everyone had gotten it wrong. "We'll do something more like… from your time-ish…"

_What is the greatest worldwide use of cow hide?_

Everyone was totally stumped.

"Boots…?" Elva asked.

"Oh! To cover cows!" Angelina and Gertrude said in unison.

"Meow."

"And the answer is…" Papa Smurf said.

Wow! Sorry. I know it's been a long time. I've been really super busy with tests and stuff, but I'm still apologizing because I could have done this before bed. Sorry everyone! Really, I am. Fortunately, the weekend is here and I'll get cracking on chapter six.


	6. The Dragon Doth Enter

When I'm writing this is February 10… so I hope that I put this on there somewhere in the same week.

Answering a few questions, now! Looks like we've got only one, never mind. bushes283 wanted to know if I got the wheel of misfortune from Neopets. Hmm. No, I've been to Neopets before, but I've never heard of the wheel of misfortune. Rats, I thought I made it up. morale crushed Just kidding.

Now for a personal report I just felt like adding in. My thumb's been really wonky; the bone feels like it keeps sliding in and out of place. It doesn't really hurt but it totally frustrates me because I have to snap it into place like every ten seconds.

Also, if anyone knows any details about when the next season of Avatar: The Last Airbender is coming out, send it in a review! PUH-LEASE! I want to know so bad! And for any other Legend of Zelda fans out there, Twilight Princess is coming out the day after my birthday: April 1! That's in exactly 50 days today! Whoot!

"Welcome back to the Eragon Dating Game!" I said smiling. The audience forgot to say it with me because they didn't think I'd say it anymore. "Papa Smurf was just about to tell us the answer to the riddle. Hit it, Smurfy!"

"That's PAPA SMURF," Papa Smurf said angrily. "And the answer is indeed to cover cows. So Elva lost."

"Yes!" Gertrude and Angelina high-fived each other.

"Meow," said Maud, nibbling on Papa Smurf's head. Papa Smurf ran around screaming and Maud chased him.

"Ooh, what do ya got to say, Elva? You got the question wrong, so you lose," I answered, kind of glad this obnoxious little kid was getting off the show. Finally.

"What do I got to say?" Elva grinned evilly and through the stick of dynamite. "I gotta say TIMBER!"

"Timber? But that's for trees," I said before the stick of dynamite hit the ground. Soledad grabbed me and dragged me away. (if you'll recall, she put it behind her back in the first chapter (OO))

BOOM.

"Nooo-ooo-ooo! My set! My beautiful set!" I hugged the ashes of my destroyed TV show. Suddenly, my eyes turned to fire. "WHERE IS THAT LITTLE WITCH?"

"Um… heh, heh… I'll just… you know… leave or something…" Elva said and ran away. I was faster. I jumped on top of her, doggie pile style (rhymish).

"Okay, Eragon, Soledad, and Elva! Prepare to find out what happened to Saphira!" I shouted in an immensely loud voice.

Silence.

"SAPHIRA! THAT'S YOU'RE CUE!" I yelled louder. Saphira flew out and Eragon grinned mucha bigly.

"Saphira! Yay! Now we can go home and get away from these weird freaky people," Eragon said happily.

_Not yet._

"Huh? Why not?" Eragon asked.

_Because I'm not done breathing fire over this little munchkin._

"Oh."

_And I signed a contract._

"You did WHAT?" Eragon yelled. "You signed a contract with THEM?" I gestured over to Soledad and I who were throwing Mr. Potato Heads at Elva.

_They may be weird, but I'm getting paid in giraffe carcasses._

"That doesn't mean anything! We've got plenty of meat!"

_Well obviously you've never eaten giraffe meat before. _Saphira stuck out her tongue which was covered with little yellow bits of fur.

"I don't even know what a giraffe is," Eragon said. Then he got onto Saphira. "Come on, let's get out of here."

"Wait! Come back!" I shouted before Saphira could lift off. "The show's not over yet!"

"Why should we stay? There's no point," Eragon said angrily. "Besides, now my only choices are an insane cat or two old women who are obviously obsessed with me!"

"Yes there is!" I sighed. "I put a microchip in your foot that will electrocute you with a googolplex volts if you go anywhere over ten feet."

"Oh my…." Eragon winced.

_Will he get it taken out of his foot at the end of the show?_

"Oh, of course he will!" I said truthfully. I really was telling the truth, by the way. "I want there to be a third book, don't I?"

"Uh… sure…?" Eragon said, wondering what the heck I was talking about.

"It's time for our final challenge anyway, so just hold your horses!" I said. "This has to be a really good one. Maud vs. Angelina and Gertrude! Are ya ready for me to spin the Wheel of Ultimate Doom?"

"Ultimate Doom…?" Eragon said.

_Ultimate doom? Are they going spelunking in your belly button, Eragon?_

"THAT WAS ONE TIME!" Eragon shouted to his dragon. He folded his arms and put on a pouty face.

I spun the wheel. "And the task of Ultimate Doom is… taking care of a dragon egg while making it cross a small river!"

Eragon and Saphira perked up.

"What are you doing with the final two dragon eggs?" Eragon asked, bewildered. "Galbatorix… is supposed… to have those…"

_I knew she was evil!_

"Yeah, you knew enough to sign a contract with her."

_Do shut up._

"What? I found these in my backyard," I said, shrugging.

"Wow, what luck!" Soledad agreed.

"See, these eggs are HIGHLY BREAKABLE," I said so they would feel guilty if they broke it. "HIGHLY! And using foam and popsicle sticks and glue, you have to make a raft for them to float across River Monkeypants-" I show a little diagram of a seven inch deep, four foot long river I made- "And get it across safely. First one to make it wins the date!

"Oh, but a commercial break is here! Sorry, everyone! We'll just have to see what happens in the next chapter!" The camera stops rolling and I walk over to Saphira.

"Oh… I love dragons…" I sniff the air. "What is that?"

"Ew, Saphira… your breath smells like Zimbabwe…" Eragon said, bringing out a scented candle.

Saphira merely grinned. _Guess what I did to the Toys R' Us mascot? Go ahead, guess!_

….

Wow, it's almost over? I need to make a sequel or something. This was just too much fun.

Take a vote! If you think there should be a sequel, tell me. As for now, tootle-oo! Oh, two chapters in one day… not bad, not bad at all!


	7. A Plan Becometh Hatched

Wow, I got a lot of reviews yesterday! bushes283, spearofhope, and bananasrokk gave me one, which is very kind! But I got a new reviewer named harrychorules55. I wonder who he/she is, but whoever they are, they gave me a total of five messages in a row! Wow! Still, even if I get one review, I'm satisfied, so thank you all for reviewin'!

Anyhow, I decided to take the idea of ERAGONISMYLIFE for the end scene. For those of you who don't know what it is, DON"T READ HIS/HER REVIEW! It'll be totally cooler to like read it at the end… it is a bit random, but you know, random is my middle name.

* * *

"And we're back, in the workshop of the game show… okay, now you can say it…" 

"The Eragon Dating Game…" the audience said lazily, wondering how much longer this was going to go on.

"Huh! Well that's some ENTHUSIASM!" I scolded them. "Just because the snack bar's out of food and we glued you all to your chairs doesn't give you any reason to be BORED! Please don't sue me," I added, just in case. "Anyway, let's get back to Angela, Gertrude, and Maud, who are finishing making their rafts for their eggs to cross the river!"

Gertrude and Angela are forced not to use magic, so their raft looks kind of like a horse ate it, puked it up, and then stomped on it before an RV going at 55 miles an hour ran over it with spikes on the wheels. Maud was surprisingly better, but that's only because she hadn't made anything at all.

* * *

Meanwhile, Saphira and Eragon are trying to find a way to escape. 

"I'm really confused," Eragon said. "How did they get that thing in my foot anyway? I mean a googolplex volts… is that even a number?"

_I think so. Anyway, tell me what you remember before you woke up backstage._

"Hmm… well, I think I was really hungry. And you were really hungry. And we couldn't find any food. Then we both got so hungry we thought that rocks looked like chicken so we were all "Sure, why not?" and ate them. Then you had a bad stomachache and I almost died so you had to give me the Jaws of Life and then-"

_I didn't mean every detail._

"Oh. I saw a boulder coming at my face and then everything went black. And what about you, Miss I Sign Contracts With People Who Are Obviously WORKING FOR THE PERSON WE'VE BEEN TRYING TO KILL FOR THE LAST FEW YEARS OF OUR LIFE?"

_Oh, be reasonable. I was working undercover to get back the dragon eggs._

"Really?"

_No._

"SAPHIRA!"

_My mind has no control over my stomach. Cut me a little slack._

"Well, your stomach made it so I have to go on a date with someone I don't even like!" Eragon started crying. "Arya-poooooo…."

_No offense, but you don't have a chance with her._

"I don't?"

_She is totally out of your league. By like 73 years._

"Okay, okay, whatever! Look, let's just think of a way to get out of-"

"There you guys are!" Soledad shouted. "Come on, come on! The final competition is about to begin!"

Eragon turned away. "I'm NOT going to that stupid thing."

Soledad blinked and then said angrily, "But why not? After all, that is when you get to see who you're going on a date with!"

_Yes. And it would give us a chance to get back the eggs these girls are obviously keeping from us._

Eragon thought to Saphira, _Hey, that's a good idea! As soon as the competition ends, we can destroy this place full of people… it's obviously the secret meeting place of Galbatorix!_

_I bet you're right. This is all some trick. These people think they can distract you with girls and me with food while they do evil things right under our noses!_

_Ooh, how'd they know I like girls?_

Saphira thought for a moment. _They are obviously experienced scryers._

"Hello? Is anyone listening to me?" Soledad growled, running a hand in front of Eragon's face. "The next game is about to start! Come on!"

"Right! Here we come!" Eragon said, following my sister towards the place where the next competition is held.

I know this is a short chapter, so that's why I'm writing another one today.


	8. A Brainless Foe

Wow! I woke up this morning and found oh so many reviews! You guys are awesome! (is so happy)

Now I'll take the time to answer a few questions and talk to the reviewers! Which is you!

**ERAGONISMYLIFE: Ooh, I like that idea to! XD Vote 1 For Sequel!**

**DaughterofBraska: Thanks! Vote 2 For Sequel!**

**SithSlayerBB: Thank you! If you have any questions, you can ask them in the review… thingy. Whatever, it just seemed like you were a little confused… I'll shut up now.**

**Mistress-of-Misery: It's a bad thing!  I'm gonna miss this story! Thank you for being one of my loyal reviewers!**

**bananasrokk: Actually, I wasn't having the second place winner date Murtagh… considering he hasn't even been in the story so far. But if you give me an idea of what could happen, I'll consider it.**

**spearofhope: It would be a good idea for him to battle Galbatorix… eventually. :D. But Sol and I aren't the evil ones. Okay, maybe we're more evil then him, but we're not working for him. **

One more thing! The part with her breath smelling like Zimbabwe… I didn't mean her breath smelled bad. Or Zimbabwe smelled bad. If anyone took that offensively, sorry! Because I think Africa is really cool!

* * *

Eragon, Soledad, and Saphira went to the area where the final competition was to be held. I had to make Maud something to put her egg in because Maud doesn't have any skills whatsoever; Gertrude and Angelina were ready with theirs' in the water of Lake Monkeypants. 

"Ready everyone?" I said. "On your mark… get set…" I blew a little kazoo. "GO!"

They released their rafts and the eggs began to float downstream. They wobbled slightly and the current made them nearly fall. But all of a sudden-

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO-pant, pant-OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooo …." Eragon shouted and panted. He grabbed the eggs and took them to shore.

Then he stood there. He looked rather stupid because he ruined our contest.

_Saphira?_

_Yeah?_

_Now what?_

_They'll probably bring out their troops of knights with swords and javelins. Be on your guard._

_………They're not doing anything._

_This is odd. Usually right now they reveal who they really are and then come and attack us._

Suddenly, I am angry again.

"Eragon! What'd you do that for? You just ruined the game!" I shouted angrily. "And why'd you take the eggs?"

"Why? Why? Because you're affiliated with Galbatorix, that's why!" Eragon shouted. Sol and I looked at each other, confused. "You're guarding the dragon eggs for him! You wanted one of them to lose so the dragon would drown!"

"Dragon eggs? Did we say dragon eggs?" I inquired. "We meant rocks. We found ROCKS in our backyard."

"You're not fooling us this time!" Eragon shouted. "When Saphira rips off your head, Galbatorix will be standing there!"

Sol and I hugged our heads tightly. "Ah! No! We're telling the truth!" Sol shouted.

"Spare my head!" I cried, um… crying.

_They appear to be quite worried, _Saphira inquired. _Perhaps they aren't affiliated with Galbatorix after all._

_No! Saphira, don't be fooled by them! They have more cunning tricks up their sleeve! Let's finish them._

_I don't want to eat them!_

_Why not?_

_Humans are high in saturated fats._

Eragon slapped his forehead. _Fine. I'll do it then._

_…_

_What is it, Eragon? _Saphira asked, grinning.

_… they took my knife. I forgot._

_Pssh. Very nice. Very heroic._

_Just bite off their heads._

Suddenly, they both realize this long dialogue gave Sol and me a chance to escape.

_Well, at least I didn't have to eat them._

_In your own words, do shut up._

* * *

"…Sol?" 

"Yeah?"

"Do you think it's safe to come out yet?"

"No!"

"I wonder why Eragon's suddenly mad at us," I whispered.

"Duh! We almost ruined his life, making him date the people he didn't like!"

"But it's so funny…"

"Not for him!"

"Maybe we should go apologize and let him date Arya," I said. Then I slapped myself. "No, no, no! We've still got an audience don't we? But it's just not fair… but the show!" I tore a little bit of my hair out.

"… are you talking to yourself?"

"Shush, I'm having a conversation here! ... I mean yes." I grinned sheepishly.

"Whatever. Let's get the security guards and-"

"SAPHIRA WOULDN'T EAT ME!" I yelled and ran out of the broom closet we were currently hiding in.

"SIS! Argh, she's gonna get us killed someday…" Soledad growled, tailing after me.

I ran outside and hugged Saphira, which seriously surprised her.

"Saphira! You'd never eat me! Never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, NEVER in a million years, would you?" I asked, staring up at her with big shiny eyes. Saphira blinked.

… _she's hugging me._

_Yes! She's obviously trying to squeeze the blood out of you! _Eragon shouted in his mind.

_I think she likes me. _

Eragon's eyes turned to saucers. _EXCUSE ME? Are you so blinded by fury that you cannot see what she's DOING to you?_

_What's she doing then?  
SHE'S MAKING YOU INTO AN ENEMY WITH HER POWERS OF… of…_

_Powers of what?_

_Powers of affection, I don't know! But she's turning us against each other! Stand strong! Only together can we conquer!_

_How about you scry her and see if she's really evil?_

_Fine. Fine, I will! _Eragon tried scrying me. After he was done, he looked confused.

_Well? Did you find out? _Saphira inquired.

Eragon chose to talk to everyone. "I didn't get anything! Not anything!" he tapped my scalp and a hollow echo was heard. "Do you even have a brain in there?"

"Um…" I tapped my head and laughed. "I like the echo noise!"

"I guess that answers our question," Eragon said haughtily. "She not a mastermind. She doesn't even have a mind."

"Eragon!" Soledad shouted and ran out with two security guards following, the same ones from the beginning named Bub and Earl. "Where's my sister? Don't tell me she's eaten!"

"Tah-dah!" I said, popping out from behind Saphira. "I'm right here!"

"Oh. Good," Soledad said. "Eragon, I just found out who you're going to date tonight!"

Eragon cringed. "Who?"

Soledad said, "It's…"

* * *

Yay, yay! More suspense! Who will it be? I've already got it planned, so you don't have to send me any reviews saying who you want. Thanks to everyone for reviewing! There's so many people, I don't think I can list them all. I just remember spearofhope and Mistress-of-Misery have been my most loyal reviewers. Kudos to you all! 


	9. A Date with Destiny or Perhaps Maud

Yeah, the next chapter of the day! Who will Eragon date? Keep reading! P.S. ERAGONISMYLIFE, I'm actually almost done with the book Eldest. As soon as I finish, I'll read your story. I look forward to it!

Oh, never mind there was another story you made that didn't give spoilers. I read it and sent a review. Just to let you know, I spelled "more" as "me". What a stupid mistake! I just thought you should know.

* * *

"Eragon, you're going to date Maud!" Soledad said proudly. Eragon's jaw dropped. 

"No! No, I am not dating the weirdo!" Eragon shouted. "Take that stupid thing out of my foot! I'm going back to Carvahall!"

_Come on now, Eragon, this could be fun._

"Fun? Fun for who? The audience?"

_Don't forget about me._

"Thanks, Saphira"Eragon growled.

"Psst. Is Eragon 'talking to himself'?" Soledad said, putting italics around "talking to himself" with finger symbols.

"No, silly!" I said. "He's talking with Saphira. In their minds."

"Like the twin telepathy we don't have?" Soledad added sadly.

"Exactly!" I said. "Um… except their's are like conversations."

"Good, because I thought he was getting a little loco," she said, because she doesn't read the books.

"Okay, Eragon, how about you get ready for your date?" I said, grinning. This was going to be the best part.

"On one condition," Eragon said. "Saphira has to come with me."

Soledad bit her lip. "See, this changes everything," Soledad said, "because there aren't that many restaurants that have a ceiling higher than fifteen feet that will serve you food for under… Sis, how much money's in the vault?"

"Twenty-seven dollars and a blue crayon," I announced. "OMG! With the blue crayon, that should be enough!"

"Er, I don't think so…" Sol admitted. As I questioned, "It is? It is? It is?" nonstop, Soledad turned back to Eragon. "Don't worry, I'm sure we'll find some money in the budget… in the meantime, why don't you go take a bath or something?"

In the bathroom…

"Woah, the water's all swirly!" Eragon said, grinning at the hot tub style bath.

* * *

Yeah, I am leaving off there. I know this chapter was excruciatingly short, but that's because I'm ready to start the sequel. It's going to be called "My Date with Maud the Werecat". Has anyone seen "My Date with the President's Daughter"? It's one of those "original Disney" movies or something. Well, I haven't seen it, but I know they made a little song for it, and I've heard part of that. 

Also, sorry bananasrokk, but I don't know the character's Thorn and Murtagh well enough to write a story. Plus, Murtagh dating the two old women… I shudder to think! But if you would like to write the idea yourself, I'm totally okay with it.

And wow, doesn't it feel oh so weird to be done with a story? But a sequel is still kind of like a story, so I guess it doesn't feel too weird. Well, I guess I'll get started pretty fast.


End file.
